clammylady

Bad Week

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 12:22:01 GMT

2 clients in the hospital

1 broken down piece of shit car

drama at work, for which I'm not a part of, but managed to be brought in to

Blah.

Something I didn't want to mention

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 13:03:09 GMT

Everything really is as I wrote about it in my last entry, but there's one major area that I left out. I've been having a "relationship" of sorts with my boss for a few months. He's married, has children and is 15 years older than me. I know that makes me a bad person. I really have no one to talk to about this with on a regular basis, so I plan to write about it in here. This past friday he took me shopping and bought me the new Victoria's Secret bra (which is like $40. that place is such a rip-off) and a few other items, then he bought me jewelry, a whole new outfit to wear out to dinner that night, a purse to match it and new perfume that I really wanted. When I changed into all of the things that he bought me, I felt two things. First, I felt like I looked fabulous, and second I felt like the "girlfriend" in movies that is kept in pretty things so she will keep her mouth shut. From this point we went to a coffee shop that had the nicest atmosphere, but was far enough away from work that we wouldn't see anyone we know. We just lounged on the couch and talked for about 2 hours. It was so relaxing, and I really feel like a million dollars around him, because we have sooo much to talk about all the time and he treats me like I'm the most precious thing in the world to him.

Now don't get me wrong. I fight my own demons every day about the fact that he's spending time and money on me that he could be spending on his wife and kids. I know that his kids aren't lacking for anything, because I see them (they come to work on occasion). The thing that bothers me most is the time. Everytime he says he's going to stay late at work because I am, I make him go home. I know it's not much, but it's a small way of making myself not feel like a homewrecker.

Getting back to Friday, he took me to the most amazing restaurant. It was voted the #1 place for a romantic date in our area (I know because they have the plaque on the wall). It's this old Victorian house and it's enormous. We ate in the parlor, next to the fireplace and it was amazing. This may be the most selfish thing I've ever said but, between my boyfriend and my boss I have everything a man could possibly give. They each have special qualities, things that I need and I give a lot back to both. Sometimes it's exhausting and I feel like I need to back away from all of this, but something is making me continue with it. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be in this situation, and I still don't know exactly why I am. My solace lies in the fact that I'm not bound to either of these individual. I have the freedom to tell one or both or neither that I don't want to be with them anymore. It wouldn't be easy for either but I've come to realize that nothing's easy.

On a completely different note, I've been asked to do some public speaking at a country club. I'm an awful public speaker (or at least I used to be, I haven't done it since school), but I feel that I might be better now that I'm such a people person at work. Anyway it's a fear of mine, and I'm trying to minimize as many fears as I can. That's all for now.

Life as an Adult (or somethin' like that)

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 13:18:05 GMT

I believe the last time that I wrote here, I was still in school. I have since graduated, (to my own utter shock and disbelief) and my entire world has been turned upside down and shaken, but for the better (or mostly for the better). I moved in with my sister and a friend of hers, who has since moved to Pittsburgh to go back to school, and it's working out really well for me. I live in a four bedroom house with a cat and a dog. I had the freedom to paint my bedroom any color I wanted, so naturally I chose red, (not like firetruck red, deeper). I work as a personal trainer now. I find it completely strange though, because it's exactly what I went to school to do. It might seem strange that I find my job strange for that reason, but seldom in my life have I wanted something as important as a career and have had it turn out just how I wished it would. When I was in high school deciding what I wanted to do with my life, I thought of two things, Cooking or Training, because I enjoy both. I just chose training, and when I though about what I wanted it to be like, I pictured myself helping people to build confidence and really helping them to stay dedicated. I do that now, and I'm not half bad. I'm at least making a living out of it, and it's all me. I don't work through other people for the most part. It's me and my client doing what I have decided to do, and I just watch as these people change and it's amazing. Sometimes I can't believe that people pay what they pay to have me stand there and tell them what to do. It's strange to be in the service industry. I don't have a solid item that I give them. I don't create anything material that they are buying. They are buying me and what I know.

Having a job and having people depend on me is very foreign to me. I mean, I've had silly jobs before, but nothing like this. After I graduated, I felt very lost and very alone. I didn't have my friends around me anymore. I didn't know anyone here. I was stressed about making money. But, the scariest part was I was becoming someone that I've never been before. In school (high school and college) I could be happy and fun, but I was mostly depressed, sluggish, lazy and a whole host of other things. Basically it was because I could be, and I was comfortable that way. I had all the time in the world, and if I didn't, I would just skip class (which makes any incredibly strong statement of the worth of the state school system that I skipped class all the time, was high a lot, and still made Dean's list my entire senior year). Now, I'm responsible, I get up at 4-4:30 every week day morning, and I go to bed around 9 PM, I pay my bills and my rent on time, I clean my house, play with my pets, call my mom, am 1/2 of a long distance relationship that is doing well. It's just nuts. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. If you knew where I came from (mentally and physically) you would also be surprised that I made it out of the early years of my life alive, and not insane (although sometimes I still question my sanity). It's taken a lot for me to get used to the new me, and I'm nowhere near there yet, but everyday I feel more comfortable in my shoes. I'm starting to think of new hobbies, (basically because I still don't really have friends here, and not because I'm weird or anything, but because I work in a place that mainly consists of people ages 40 and up, and I've decided it is considerably harder to make friends after the age of 20.) I'm going to start taking piano lessons (for like the 10th time in my life), I've gotten a little crafty (not like witch crafty, like arts and crafts crafty). My life, in essence, is entirely new and I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Luckily, I still have girl, although she is over an hour away and I've only seen here about 5 times since I've been here. She's still my best friend, and there are times that my heart aches for her so badly that I just plop down on the floor where ever I am and bawl. I miss living with her, I'm heart-broken that it's very unlikely that I will ever live with her again, I'm happy for her that she's found someone who treats her so well (finally :) ), I miss laughing. No one on earth makes me laugh the way that she does. There's no question in my mind that she was always meant to be my friend. It's just too much of a coincidence that we were only seperated by two walls our first year of school, and that she was one of the first two people I met there. I love you girl, (just in case you ever read this).

That's it for now (I know your thinking "That's it? 'It' was like three pages long"!) Hopefully I will be writing more often, although I always say that.

Particularly Bad news

Tue, 14 Jan 2003 00:28:31 GMT

It's been almost a year since I've last written here. Yesterday, my 32 year old sister, mother of 3, went to the hospital complaining that she was just really really tired. Today, when she came to pick up her kids, she told my mother and I that she was dehydrated and was coughing up blood because she's been forcing herself to throw up. I know about as much as anyone about eating disorders. I've had one, and I study about them all the time at school, but this is completely different. This is my sister that's 11 years older than me, but I look to like a mother. Unfortunately, I'm not close with her, Like I really should be. This is killing me to know that she is so discontent that she is doing this to herself, and her 11 year old son caught her. My mother thinks that she (my sister) is just going through a rough time, because my mother is also subject to bouts of depression, therefore all of my sisters (3) and I are. I don't know what else to write. I just couldn't listen to my mom telling one of my other sisters about it. It was getting to me and I was just sitting at the top of the stairs crying.

Shitty Chain of Events

Mon, 29 Apr 2002 19:02:43 GMT

God what a terrible couple of weeks I've been having. First my dog died. Now you have to understand that I've had this dog since I was 7, and he meant the world to me, so I went home that day, and I said my good-byes to what used to be my dog, and I've never cried or wailed so much in my life. We (my mom, dad and me) buried him in our yard, by our property line. Next to our cat, who died last year at this time. It was the worst day of my life. Then I came back to my apartment, and just cried all weekend. I was so lonely. I turned 21 this past Tuesday, but it wasn't the fun time that I had always envisioned it to be. I mean I've been waiting for this my whole life. I just wasn't in the mood to be out and crazy. Oh and one of the worst things was in this very class that I'm in right now. Last Wednesday we were taking a test, and this girl that sits beside me and I were just saying very few things to each other, and the lady next to her screamed out for the whole class to hear, "Will you guys stop cheating? You're really starting to piss me off". Ummmm ok. What the hell was that all about? I was soo mad. Plus the fact that she's the teacher's aide doesn't really help the situation. I hope that my teacher does look at both of our tests, because I can guarantee that they are completely different. GRRRRR. Why do people hate me. Then.....My mom had flowers delivered to me on my birthday, but they were the wrong ones, and they were pretty ugly, so my mom called them and told them to exchange them. The delivery guy (who happens to be as old as the hills) came today to exchange them, and he started yelling at me, that the first one's weren't cheap or ugly and that, apparently, it was all my fault, because I complained to my mom that I didn't like them. None of that even happened. My mom came down this weekend and saw them, and was upset. I was fine with them. They were a gift, and it was the thought that mattered, but I guess this guy wasn't pleased with me and let me know it. I called his store and placed a complaint about the way that he treated me. They seemed to take me seriously, but who knows.
OK well class is starting so I better go. I hope everyone else's weeks haven't been as dis-heartening as mine.

Oh my God, I'm going crazy!

Wed, 10 Apr 2002 19:35:05 GMT

I'm in my computer's class, which to most sounds like a fairly uneventful thing, but I think I'm having a nervous break-down, and I can't handle it. I'm supposed to be taking this test, and I can't do one thing on it. I have no idea how to program a computer. This is not why I am here. I want to cry or scream or something. I'm trapped. I nothing. I have nothing to say, because emotions can't be expressed in words. I feel crazy, and unhappy, and depressed and torn up, and cheated by the world.

Bottled Up

Wed, 03 Apr 2002 20:37:19 GMT

I'm absolutely miserable right now. Why is nothing, NOTHING, in my life the way I want it to be right now. I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach all the time, and they aren't the good kind. They're the nervous, nauseating kind. I'm lonely, and that's always a problem, because I find the wrong kind of company. Male company, that is. I don't know what's wrong with me all the time. Why can't I just be happy for once in my life. I just got out of a really long, and painfully unfulfilling relationship. I should be pleased that I have time to do things the way that I want. I'm not though. I'm just lonely, and my life has been nothing but dulling my sense of reality. I'm always on something, and I feel like I have a problem. I do, I have so many. Too many to count. It's like I have this rubber wall in my mind, and inside, I think, "I can change this. I can change my life and make it the way I want, and it won't be that hard. It will be so worth it, and starting tomorrow things are going to be different."

Nope. Everyday it's the same. I wake up, disappointed at where I am, and overwhelmed with all the things I need to do. I just want to cry right now, but I'm in my fucking, stupid ass computer class and I think it would be weird if I just broke out in tears.

I feel like my family is so normal (even though this is highly unlikely) and they all have their seperate but good lives, and I'm nothing. I have nothing. I feel nothing but complete disarray of thoughts, feelings and moods.

I'm lost. I'm so lost in a place that I've never been and I don't know how to get out. It's that kind of panic that makes me want to dull my senses.

I think that I'm going to collapse. If there was ever a time to cry for help this is it. I don't know who to cry to. It can't be my family, and no matter what anyone says about your family always being there for you, mine isn't. If I told my family they wouldn't understand, and they would just hope that it would go away on it's own.

Like when I told my mother that I tried to kill myself, and she just made a face and said, "Why would you do that? You have everything." There was no compassion in her voice or face, and that's when I really knew I was soo alone. I have really tried to find someone to fill the endless empty spaces in me, but it's too much for one person, and I put too much on them. Sometimes, they try really hard, but I'm dissatisfied, and I end it. Or, they just can't take it anymore and they end it. Either way it doesn't matter. I'm always like this.

My heart is just racing. I hate this.

Final Hur-rah.

Fri, 22 Mar 2002 13:04:56 GMT

Well this is it for me for this break. I'm leaving to go back to my apartment today, and since I can't afford the internet, it will be a while before I'm on again.

This has been an interesting break. I went through a whole stage of calling my ex-boyfriend and talking to him like everything was completely normal, then it would get weird and we wouldn't talk. Then he would say things like "So, why don't we just get back together?" or "So, when you get back, we'll be back together right?" and me saying "Ummmm, no" or "I thought I told you no a million times already". I need to just stop talking to him altogether, for a while. He is a great friend.

I did spend the much needed time with my mom and Kolan, my baby nephew. It's just therapeutic for me to play with that baby. He's so adorable that it makes my heart hurt. It's weird.

It's only supposed to go up to 27 degrees today. I hope my car doesn't just crack down the middle from being too cold. It's also going to be fun hauling all my stuff into my apartment in -10 degree wind.

Ok, well I have to go because my mom needs to do some banking. I hope everyone has a good couple of months. I'll update sporadically. I'll be able to write a lot in the summer though.

Ok bye guys!

P.S.

Thu, 21 Mar 2002 02:27:12 GMT

I miss you, girl. Thanks for being my one true friend through all of this! I love you.

New Version of Me

Thu, 21 Mar 2002 02:22:21 GMT

I have no idea what to type, because I can't type feeling disappointment with my whole life. I can say I'm disappointed, but that doesn't even scratch the surface. I have such intense self-hatred it's unreal.

I'm not suicidal by any means. I'm just stuck. Stuck and discontented. I'm smart, but lazy. I'm going to school to be a personal trainer (of sorts) and yet I'm over-weight and completely unmotivated to work out. I also have really bad eating habits, yet I know (through many many classes that I've taken in college, high school, middle school) what is good and what is not. It's like I spite my intelligence by being the exact opposite of everything that I want and need to be to have any semblence of a real life.

A real life to me is sooo different than most people. I don't want spectacular things. I simply want a job that I feel comfortable in, because I have the knowledge neccesary to be at what I do, and get paid a salary that will let me survive in a way that is comfortable to me. I don't want so much money that I spend it on a lot of unneccesary things, but I do want to be able to buy that occasional unneccesary item that I really like because it's me.

Any romance in my life seems to be out of the question right now. I've been distracted by men my whole life. Whether it be my father, because he was hardly in my life, but when he was, would scare me, or intimidate me, or my crush in kindergarten when I stripped for him in my bedroom at the age of 5. I mean, what is wrong with me that I view men as something that I should strive for, and then spend all my time impressing. ahhhhhhhhhh!
My last relationship was sooo wrong for me, and yet I let myself take the abuse over and over and over again. I don't mean physical either. There was some verbal abuse, but that seems to be the norm these days. When people fight, they say horrible things to hurt each other. This is very normal. It was my emotional self-abuse. I ignored my true feelings for soo soo long, and I fucking fooled myself. How that is possible, is beyond me. I feel like I have the soul of a wonderful person full of potential, but that the body just doesn't go. By that I mean, I feel like I can't (not won't, but can't) do what I want to do in life.

This is just written for me, and it's not meant for anyone to feel pity for me. I just felt bottled and although I still feel this way I got some of the fizz to pour out of the bottle, if that makes any sense what-so-ever.

Wed, 20 Mar 2002 20:55:32 GMT

I got my eyebrows waxed today. There's nothing like having your "stylist", who also waxes things, tell you that your eyebrows are "bad". That made me feel good ;p

It's starting to get a little bit brighter outside, which is nice because for the past couple of days I've felt like I live in the land of Eternal Night.

My dog is so restless. He just walks around and around in my kitchen, and you can hear his claws click-clacking on the floor. It's maddening sometimes. I think that, because he is so old, he forgets that he has already walked around the kitchen 50 times and all the smell are new to him everytime. I wonder if that will happen to me when I'm old. Will I just walk around outside, retracing every step I previously took over and over again and think that it is completely normal? I hope so. I won't be as bored as I am now, and everyone will leave me alone and just smile because I'll be the nice senile old woman.

My mom loves wicker. I feel like I'm sitting on a bunch of weak sticks.

Everyone in this house is sick. I think that's weird. I get sick everytime I come home.

I love paper shredders. They're just fun.

Ok Bye.

Good Morning

Wed, 20 Mar 2002 13:36:38 GMT

What a way to wake up. It's 8:15 A.M. My nephew is screaming, my mom is dying her hair, some weird dragon cartoon is on TV, it's snowing, I have a cold and I've only had one cup of coffee. Yikes!

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go get him (my nephew) he was crying so much. I'm never going to be any good at having kids. I always want to run and grab them out of their cribs.

Good Thing I'm a Pesimist

Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:30:49 GMT

Well the thing at the gym went o.k. I was really nervous, but the people were nice and they seemed overly interested. I think that the desk worker girl was interested in me. Whatever, I guess. If it gets me a summer job that I'm not going to end up hating in a week, I'll let her hit on me. lol. This is a joke, not meant to offend anyone. Anyways, I'm hungry. What else is new? I wish I had friends. It sucks to not have friends. I have a couple, but when they aren't around I feel like such a loser. I'm not all that unlikeable or difficult to deal with. *sigh* Another pity party for clammy. Ok well that's it.

Weird Tuesday.

Tue, 19 Mar 2002 18:10:48 GMT

I just got back from going out to lunch with my mom, my sister, and my nephew. He was soo funny. He's only about 10 months old, and we gave him a straw and he thought it was the best thing in the world. He laughed, which, when you're still a baby, is probably the cutest thing. It's soo cold here. It's very depressing. I'm pretty lonely. My mom is here, but she's been in a rotten mood since I got home, which doensn't make sense. She's always complaining about being alone, but when I'm here she's a mean grump. Grrrrrrr! I feel like it's my fault that she's pissy, and then we get in fights, which makes me not want to be here anymore. I have to go to this gym later to give them my school resume so that they will give me a lame summer job, and maybe let me do my internship there. yippee. I'm in such a bad mood, but I'm not mad, I'm just indifferent. I pulled something in my back, so everytime I look to the left it hurts.

I know, can I whine anymore? Sorry that this is such a pity party. I'm just not happy. Has anyone ever had the experience of holding someone elses baby and other people think that it's yours? And you don't bother to correct them. That happened to me today. I was sitting with my nephew waiting for my mom and sister to join us, and this waitress came over and started to talk about her baby. This was fine, because I'm an aunt 5 times over and I know a lot about kids. But when my nephew started to cry(she was right in his face) he was reaching for me, and she said "oh help mommy" I suppose creating his inner dialogue for him. I was like, ummm. But it's not that I didn't correct her because I'm a sicko and I like to pretend that other people's babies are mine. It was just that she was my age, and I think that it comforted her to think that I was also a mother and she wasn't alone in the world. Maybe I read too much into it (which is entirely possible, since I do that with everything) but that was my on-the-spot reaction. I thought it was weird. Anyways, I feel like going back to my apartment right now. I know that that would be mean, because I think that my mom is slightly happy that I'm here. I could be wrong. She may be incredibly happy that I'm here, but I wish she would act like I'm not just this nuisense (sp.?). Anyways, I guess I'll go make my 15th cup of coffee for the day and finish my book. Bye Guys!

Spring Break?

Mon, 18 Mar 2002 13:09:14 GMT

I wouldn't exactly call this break "Spring" Break, considering that last night we got about an inch or 2 of snow. Yuck. I had a fairly uneventful weekend. I've talked to my ex-boyfriend (oh that's soo weird to say) a couple of times. He's being so great. My parents are on this cholesterol and fat conscious diet now, because the doctor told my dad that he was a walking heart attack. Well, now we all eat it, and I haven't felt this good in a long time. I just feel really healthy. I think it may also be because I haven't smoked a cigarette (at least not a whole one, because it makes me sick) since Friday afternoon. I wasn't really planning on quitting this time, because I usually do when I come home. It's just soo easy to do here. I don't know why. I guess it's because I'm completely relaxed and I have no stressors (or very little) here. Well I should go, because my mom's crazy friend is here (like she is every morning) and I should go say hi.

Home on Break!

Sun, 17 Mar 2002 13:53:19 GMT

Hi guys. I'm home on Spring Break. All I have done for the past two days is relax, and I feel like a whole different person already. I wish it weren't so cold. I would like to spend some time outside on my "Spring" break. I don't think that I realized just how much I needed this break. I was actually kind of dreading in by the time that I had to make the 2 1/2 hour drive home. I hope that this week doesn't fly by or drag. I need to feel like I have achieved the perfect state of relaxation, without getting to the boredom part. Ok well I'll probably be writing a lot this week. I've been on this computer and my lap-top for about an hour and I'm sick of typing, so bye.

Well Hello There!

Wed, 27 Feb 2002 20:05:27 GMT

Hi, I'm in computers today and I'm actually doing ok in it. Life has pretty much become a routine. Go to class, see my boyfriend, get gas, buy cigarettes. Blah blah blah. I'm bored to tears and yet I have so much to do all the time. I was asked out on a date, by a guy other than my boyfriend, and it was weird. I told him that I have a boyfriend and he was really uncomfortable and now I feel like I can't and don't want to be friends with him anymore. It's weird. Well class is starting soon, so I better go. I hope everyone is doing well and having interesting lives.

BYE!

Well Hello There!

Wed, 27 Feb 2002 20:04:57 GMT

Quick Quick Maryanne!

Wed, 23 Jan 2002 19:58:31 GMT

This is once again going to be a very quick message because I'm in class. Thanks to my girls for leaving me messages. I appreciate them a lot. I have a 7-10 PM class tonight. YUK! This class is weird because you can only see people's eyes over their monitors. EWWWW creepy. Our teacher looks like a really nerdy librarian. Nothing against librarians, but she just looks like the really mean kind from kids movies. Ok gotta go!

I'll write again soon!

Mon, 21 Jan 2002 20:40:26 GMT

ohhhh! being sneeky in computer class. This class is going to be sooo hard. I'm going to ask for everyone to pray for me, and just hope that I get through this thing alright. I'll be checking this again soon so please write me some comments. I miss LJ so much. I hate not having the internet at school.

Oh deary, oh goodness

Wed, 16 Jan 2002 16:12:16 GMT

My last day before I leave to get back to the grind. I'm ready I think. I'm never really ready. I convince myself that I'm sooo prepared. I buy all my school supplies, I attempt to set up study hours. All that jazz. Do you know what I end up doing? I skip class, sit in my apartment and watch TV or play video games. I study only when there's hardly any time left to memorize it. UGGGGHhhhh! I'm such a waste. Oh well. Here's to a new semester of slacking off!

Tue, 15 Jan 2002 17:15:06 GMT

I'm so blah today. I have so much that I should be doing to get ready to go back to school, but it's just not happening. I'm annoyed with myself for being so sluggish all the time. I feel like my inner self is trying to explode through my skin. It'a not a fun feeling. Like your just so anxious about nothing and you can't do anything to alleviate it. grrrrrrr. I guess I'll go get lost in a book. Even though books depress me. lol. I just can't win. OH well. I hope everyone else is having a more satisfying day than I am.

The Baby of the Fam.

Tue, 15 Jan 2002 00:04:45 GMT

Why am I the baby in my family? Why am I the last of four girls and the last to leave home? I don't think any of my sisters realize how hard it is to be the last one to leave the nest. I mean, my mother has devoted her entire life, and compromised a career to take care of her children, and now, when all of us have grown up and made our way in the world (at least somewhat) what does she have? I mean, the satisfaction of raising us all right is great and all, but my sisters don't know what it's like to see the look in my mother's eyes when she tells me how nice it is to have someone to eat dinner with, and to talk to. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I love my mother with all my heart, and I think she's great and I wish that should could find something that would make her happy, but, like me, she's more reserved. Unlike me, she's not willing to try new things and I think it's just that she's scared. UHHHHHHH! I have to go back to school in 2 days and you can't imagine how bad I feel. She's just so alone and this house it too big for her and our animals. It's so empty. I even have that feeling when I'm here. She's told me straight out that she doesn't want me to go back. Not like she really expects me to or would let me stay, but it's really tough.

I don't know. I just felt like venting. I'm in pain because she is and it's just an all around unpleasant thing.

Cheesy Movies and Love Novels

Mon, 14 Jan 2002 14:29:29 GMT

ahhhhh! I hate cheesy movies, and not because they annoy me but in fact because they make me sooo jealous that life is never ever like that. It may sound dumb, but I really get into the fake world of movies and when they are over, I'm so depressesd to have to go back to my life. It's a horrible let down. The same goes for love novels. Once I either put the book down, or end it, I'm left so empty, because for the short while that I was in that world, I felt accomplished and romantic. grrrrr! Is my life so dreadfully dull that movies and books can have such a profound effect on me? I guess that would be a big YES. *sigh I wish there was an old-fashioned guy that would sweep me off my feet and that I were beautiful and slim and interesting. I'm so uninteresting. I never have anything witty to say like my friends. I dont' have a million interesting facts memorized like my boyfriend, who can talk to anyone about anything, because he has the intellect. I'm just the person who smiles and agrees because I have no idea. I'm not interested in any one thing, so I'm uninformed about everything. I know this is one big pity me entry, but I'm just depressed because I don't have what I want and I don't think that I ever will. No author would ever think of my life as an inspiration for a book and no producer would ever want to make my life story into a movie because I am utterly boring and unimaginative and that's the way I shall stay. boo hoo

ouchy!

Sun, 13 Jan 2002 23:41:39 GMT

I wish I could just have all of my organs removed. grrrrr. I know that sounds gross, but they hurt. You know what's weird. The pastor from my church and my dad are friends. In fact the pastor calls my dad all the time and my dad gets annoyed, which I think is funny. But the thing is that this particular pastor is wesleyan. Now, I didn't even know this but wesleyan's don't believe in drinking or smoking. Well my dad has smoked nearly all his life and is borderline alcoholic. Ironic huh? Needless to say, we don't go there anymore. The pastor just called my dad to see if he wants to pitch in and give him money to go see his father. Weird ass. I mean, my dad does have money and all, but according to his religion, this pastor shouldn't be trying to butter up to my father, but rather trying to reform him. It's probably better that he doesn't try to reform my pop. He would go crazy and give that pastor a sermon he would never forget. lol. I ought to know. Anyways, I hope that everyone else's organ aren't on the verge of exploding. :)